Four weeks ago, I started going to therapy with a psychologist. I finally realized that all the reasons I hadn't gone in my past were actually invalid reasons now. There are so many thoughts and conclusions that I've had to re-think, re-analyze over the past year, and I finally got around to questioning my past decisions to not go to therapy. I wrote about part of those thoughts and feelings in my "Life is a test" post.
I have never been to therapy before in my life, so I spent a few days doing research online trying to find a therapist that I would feel comfortable with seeing. I had some requirements in mind that I felt would shorten the large list of therapists in my city. First, they had to be a licensed psychologist. I didn't want a counselor, mentor or "life coach." I wanted someone that had a PhD in psychology or at least a PsyD. I wanted someone that specialized in depression and anxiety or fears. I didn't really want anyone that went to school here in Idaho; I really wanted someone that graduated from a "largish" school. Not that there is anything wrong with Idaho schools, but my life has been the definition of bizarre and I wanted to make sure that the person I went to wasn't going to use me to further their career. Preferably, I wanted someone that had lived and worked in at least two major cities. They needed to have at least 10 years working experience as a psychologist. I didn't want to be so unique in their career that they wouldn't know how to deal with me. I was looking for a couple keywords in their descriptions of their therapy, mainly goal oriented and evidence-based. I decided that a bonus would be if they were part of the science community, taught, published peer-reviewed articles, or done research in their past. I wasn't looking to be part of a current study, but I wanted them to know how science actually worked. Finally, they couldn't be LDS, or "faith" focused in anyway. I didn't want someone that mentioned the "good life" or being able to help with spiritual issues.
My list of choices was quickly narrowed down to 3 or 4. I then looked to see what insurance they each accepted. I had 5 free sessions available to me through work if they participated in that "network." That brought my choice down to 1. I really hate the phone, so I decided to send an email to have them call me back. By the end of the day, I had an appointment scheduled in the following week. I asked the therapist if they would like me to email a document to them that would give them a "highlight" of some past events in my life; maybe it would help them get up to speed on why I'm seeking their services. I had taken all my personal history posts from this blog and combined them into one word document. They said they were interested in reading what I had written, so I emailed that off to them. I'm not quite sure they were expecting a 60,000 word document to arrive in their inbox, but I wanted to get this process the best chances of succeeding. I could just imagine the months it would take me to sit there and share that entire context in 50 minute sessions; it would be so much easier for them just to read it. Not that I didn't want to talk about the past, this way the discussion could be a little more focused.
My first session with my therapist was not close to what I expected it would be like. I was hoping they would start by explaining a little about what I might expect to happen during a session; Give me some kind of a framework or guideline to expect. I hoped they might ask why I chose them specifically, maybe seek to understand what I was looking for in a therapist. Ask what I was hoping to accomplish by going to therapy. Nope, none of that happened. I started by telling them I had never been to therapy before, ever. Then they told me to start talking a little bit about myself. I asked if they had read the document I sent a week ago. They responded by saying they hadn't read it in detail very much, and just skimmed through it, and told me they "were a slow reader." This really caught me off guard, so I decided I'd do my best to cover the highlights of my past. Before I knew it 50 minutes had passed by, and the session was over. Briefly they said this is what therapy is like, would I like to schedule another appointment for next week. I was shocked, but I really wanted to give this my best effort. I said yes, I do want to continue, but there are some constraints but there wasn't any time to delve into them. I had already decided I was going to go for 5 sessions anyway, so maybe the next one would go better.
I decided that the next session I would take control from the beginning of the session. I needed some very specific concerns and questions answered before I wanted just to "talk" about my past and me. I had to feel like I was on track and make sure this was the therapist that was going to be able to help me. I made a list of questions I wanted to ask and discuss for the next session and a list of long-term goals I wanted to accomplish by going to therapy. Here are my rough talking points and goals:
- I don't feel there is going to be an "ah ha" moment by my just talking out loud and having you rephrase what I say back at me. I don't have a problem understanding my past, or analyzing why I do or feel certain ways. I have already tried everything I can think of, I need additional suggestions and tools to change. Talking about is just not going to cut it.
- I understand I will have to spend considerable amount of time talking and getting you up to speed on my past and current situations. I'm willing to do that, because you'll be able to give me suggestions of what to try next if you understand the context of my past. Right now though, today or in the next week, I need to feel like I'm on track with getting myself help. I don't want to spend the next 4 (free to my wallet) sessions just talking about myself and then realize I need to go to someone else.
- Realizing actual reasons for things does help me somewhat. Knowing why, or that others aren't different from me, doesn't help. How do I just live life without making myself sick all the time or suffer mental anguish and physical pain?
- I can fake it, I can look like I fit in with society, but it comes at huge costs of personal time, energy and suffering. How do I decrease those costs? I don't enjoy society because of those costs.
- If I have to live like this, so be it. I've done it this long, and I can do it for longer if I have to. Please let me know as soon as possible so I don't waste my time.
- Terms you use are going to mean something else to me. Terms I use might mean something else to you. Please help me understand what you are asking; stop me early if you feel I'm answering your question in a way that shows I'm misunderstanding your question or terms. Please ask for more context around a term I use you don't recognize or understand. I don't know any different, seriously. I haven't gone to therapy, I don't know anything about it.
- Is it appropriate for me to care or ask if you follow a certain religion, or at least I'm hoping considering where you have lived and gone to school the chances are fairly low that you are LDS.
Goals:
- I don't like feeling I'm in fight or flight mode as much as feel I am.
- I don't like analyzing every little thing I say or do. Too self critical, I always expect perfection from myself in what I say or re-act to others.
- I need to be able to do things without sabotaging myself, or putting myself into fight or flight mode to get things done. Especially things that require me to "take" responsibility for others work or mistakes. Do I even have to do that?
- I'd like to find or have a social life of some kind. I don't know what that really means, but I think I'm might like it anyways. How do I find that, especially with my view on religion? I don't respect irrationality at all.
I was prepared for my second session and I hoped they wouldn't be offended by me taking control of the session right off the bat. I needed answers and I wanted to feel comfortable before I moved forward with them.
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