Therapy - Session 5

(Previously in the therapy thread: Session 4 and Psychiatrist Session 2)

For therapy session #5, Again, I brought a list of topics I wanted to discuss. Most of them were items I had identified in my previous posts on this blog. Writing down my sessions really helps me remember what was said and discussed. It also allows me another opportunity to see what else I want to talk about with my therapist.

The session started with me giving a very quick report on how things are going with Abilify. At the time I had been on it again for 5 days. I told them that the psychiatrist didn’t want to make any changes in dosage or add any other medications yet. I was to continue taking Abilify in the mornings for another two weeks. Then I talked about the side effects that I’m still suffering from, slight fever, light-headed and dizzy a few times a day, and strange dreams. Not nightmares anymore, not since I started taking it in the mornings, but still very vivid dreams. Also, many dreams a night.

My therapist asked if I could remember any of my dreams, and in fact, I could. I remember the dream from that morning, right before I had to wake up. It was an interesting dream, but the main part of it was I, confronting my seminary teacher and her husband from northern Idaho. In the dream I still lived in the rented house up there, but I was my age and had my memories.

I told both of them how much what she had done had affected my life, and how much pain and hurt she had caused. I explained how I could understand that she thought she was doing what was right as a mother in her religion, but I thought she was wrong and she didn’t need to hurt me like that. The husband’s reaction in my dream was one of sorrow, concern and he apologized. The seminary teacher didn’t act sorry, but slightly admitted that she didn’t need to go to the extreme she had.

Both responses would be true to form if it was a real confrontation. I knew it was only a dream, but inside, it made me feel so much better. Over the years, I have done the same mental exercise a couple of times. I have visualized the experience of being able to tell them the impact of their actions on my life, and their responses. In the past, it hasn’t had much affect, because I knew it was just my own thoughts I was projecting on an imaginary situation.

This time was different. In my dream, I actually found some kind of acceptance of what she had done. This feeling spilled over into my own thoughts and feelings when I woke up that morning. The sorrow and concern the husband felt, meant more to me than her feelings. I guess it is because I can find some understanding for why she acted the way she did, and I can see how in her mind she could have felt totally justified that she was following her religious teachings. I expected more from her husband. All these years I had held him also responsible for her actions, for not sticking up for me, or helping put things right. In and out of the dream, it meant more to me to have him be aware of how I felt he failed me. I also found my own acceptance for his part in the past. I hadn’t been completely aware that I held him to blame for part of that experience, but now I realized I had.

It is interesting having all these dreams. I used to go though cycles of dreaming for a couple weeks, and then not for a couple weeks to a couple months. Now it is every night, multiple times a night. It is as if my brain is able to spend the appropriate amount of time now analyzing what it is supposed to every night. Before the Abilify, my brain was just too busy with everything else going on.

Next, I said I had a list of things that I wanted to discuss. I didn’t expect to go over all the items, and wouldn’t be disappointed either way. The “I’m still no OK” chapter in the Self-Esteem book brought up the first item. Peppered through the chapter it mentions getting back in contact with family members, or calling a family member you dislike most on the phone. Again, this topic really pushes my buttons.

I explained that there really are some people in this world, who are truly “evil.” I’m not talking devil or Satan evil, but people that intentionally want to and succeed in hurting, harming, tearing down and destroying. Maybe it is just bad luck, but I have encountered these kinds of people, a few times in my life. It just so happens that 3 of them are my sisters.

True, to some extent they are all mentally ill. Still, even with that in mind, it doesn’t reduce the fact that it would be unwise and unhealthy, even possibly financially ruinous to be in contact with those family members. I again asked my therapist about this, I know they had said in session 3 that I wasn’t required to be in contact with them. Again, I was reassured that I’m in control of my life and I don’t have to have contact with them if I feel that it would be unhealthy. Not only that, but I have some pretty good evidence from past experiences that it wouldn’t be a good idea. It is fine to give other people additional chances, but it is foolish to give someone infinite chances to continue to hurt, manipulate or take advantage.

I explained that this topic will likely come up again many different time. The family thing is so ingrained in me from a child and the LDS church that I think it will always be a thorn in my side. It loves to pop up its ugly head and “should” me to death. I explained again how important family is to the LDS religion and yet how messed up family relations are because of the religion. How there are multiple degrees of glory after death, and if your family isn’t also 100% righteous, they won’t be in the same place as you are. It causes all kinds of over-controlling and manipulative relationships, and numerous opportunities for guilt trips.

Talking out-loud about the church can really show the bizarre circular thinking, and strange opposite justifications that happen. You find yourself talking in loops and then re-defining things to make them fit another related “commandment.” I’m so glad I’m not caught up in that anymore. It has taken so many years and effort on my own to throw it all away. That still doesn’t stop some of the strongest “shoulds” from affecting my thinking every now and again.

I brought up my issue that the book “Self-Esteem” book makes it out as if there aren’t those types of people on the world that truly want to do harm. I understand that they had limited room to fit everything in the book, and they had to be generic enough that the information would apply to the majority of the readers. Some of times though, when it gave examples or was specific, it was still always “safe” advice that should work for the general populous.

My concerns applied to the specifics in my life. I couldn’t expect the book to be written only for me, that is why I’m going to therapy; to be able to talk about the specifics in my life instead of the generalities in the book. The book is a good resource to allow myself to see what specifics I want to discuss.

In my life, I either have encountered those types of people, from bad luck, or just by the “way of life” that I was living. I hope that in the future, I don’t ever encounter those kinds again, but if I do, I don’t want to be required to associate with them. Again, this is where the therapist told me that it is always my choice. I don’t have to associate or befriend anyone that I don’t feel comfortable.

I brought up the topic that I had read that some people don’t like CBT. I explained that it makes them feel that they are hiding or masking their true self or feelings. It was asked how I came by this information, was it an internet group or forum? I replied that actually it was on my blog. I could tell they wanted to know the URL for my blog; they didn’t come right out and specifically request it. I gave them the URL and they said they were interested in reading it in part.

They asked why I named it what I did, and I explained that there are always many reasons why I do or choose the words, names and sentences that I use. I started to explain all the reasons but I got side tracked and only explained one of the reasons.

I wanted a place to share my history and experiences being born into and raised in the LDS church. I wanted to be another voice in the crowd that spoke up against irrationality. If I could help prevent one other person from having to go through what I did, it would be worth my effort and time. If there were people out there that had gone through similar experiences, I wanted to let them know they aren’t alone. I also wanted to document my therapy sessions so people could see what therapy could be like and that it wasn’t something to be afraid of or embarrassed about.

My therapist said it sounds like I write on my blog for very altruistic reasons. I agreed wholehearted, and we discussed that for a little while. I ended up forgetting to explain the other reasons for the name, but I’ll bring that up in another session.

I brought the discussion back to the comment that CBT makes some people feel like they don’t get to express or experience their true feelings. I mentioned that I haven’t found this to be the case, and I think there could be a couple of reasons someone might feel that way. CBT isn’t going to be for everyone, which is why therapists are trained in multiple techniques or modalities.

I have found CBT to work so well for me, because I have been doing it without having a term for it, for so long. Not only that, but I have put in so much time (years) and effort into not masking my feelings, but understanding why and where they are coming from. I could see that if someone wasn’t doing all the steps of CBT that it could fail, or give the wrong impression. It is hard work, and takes a lot of time and self-analysis.

I discussed all the steps that I go through and why. I won’t document it here, because I have already done as much in my previous therapy posts. The main point of the discussion was that you can’t just go from thought stopping and then directly to deciding to change your thoughts. You have to truly analyze the triggers, antecedent events, and really dig into those distorted thoughts. I think because of my extreme circumstances with my sister growing up, I had to get good at this process without knowing it, to keep my sanity. I’m glad some people can take the easy route and get help with the process from their therapist.

The next item on my list was to discuss the thoughts surrounding some of the distorted thoughts I wrote about in my Post Session 2 post. First, I talked about the thoughts around “Fallacy of fairness.” I can see the distorted thought for a personal level. When it is applied at a community or society level, I think it is critical that we advocate for fairness. Also, I brought up in the book that it discusses that we should not pass judgment on others, and I agree with this for those things that are a personal choice and something that doesn’t affect others.

In the book, one of the exercises it asks you to do is to watch TV without passing judgments. It says that some things might be violent, but that everyone is trying to live life and just get by the best they can. I can agree with this in most instances, but not when others are involved.

For example, when I was 11, I started to notice that our neighbor man down the street (who would have lived about 9 houses down from us if there wasn’t a huge open field and only 3 houses between us) would drive home from work very fast and erratic. I knew the family and the wife had been my den mother for cub scouts. My parents had always told me that I was to come home if that man was ever at the house at the same time. They never told me why, but I noticed bruises on her a couple times and she always acted so timid and scared. It was not something I had come to expect from adults.

One night I heard him drive down our street, squealing his tires as he came around the corner. A couple minutes later, I thought I could hear some crying and yelling. At first, I thought it was the TV, but I turned it off to make sure. I could still hear the noises with the TV off. I went and told my dad that I thought I could hear crying and yelling outside, and that our neighbor had just sped home going way above the speed limit. We both went outside, and we both could faintly hear the noises and see some commotion down the street. I had my dad call the cops. We knew he was drunk and it sounded like he was trying to kill his family.

I understand the book and the “fallacy of fairness,” must be meant for the personal level; because, I can never agree if it is referring also to the philosophical fairness of community and society. I will always be an advocate against child abuse or violence towards others. At the same time, I won’t let myself fall victim to the “the world is always against me, it’s not fair.”

My therapist agreed with my assessment, and brought up the point that this was another good example of why I’m writing in my blog. I’m trying to educate and advocate against those things that happened to me. I agreed, education is our only hope to changing the future. I’m not only talking about public education, but life-long education. Education can only occur for those things that are written down. (Sure, there is word of mouth education, and society was stuck with that for so many hundreds of thousands of years. We really only started making huge progress when writing came into play.)

The next item from the distorted list that I wanted to talk about was “Shoulds.” Earlier in the session, this distorted thought was mentioned briefly. I brought up a point on why shoulds are so difficult and they affect everyone. It really goes back to our brains and evolution. We are hard wired with assuming our shoulds, from our parents. Those children that don’t listen to their parents, those that get too close to that river, or cliff, or climb too high in that tree, drown, fall or get eaten by wild animals. The survivors are the people that at a very early age listen and believe their parents, and assume all the societal and personal shoulds.

Building on that from earlier in the session, I brought up the topic of shoulds again. The thoughts surrounding this were how we balance the internal personal shoulds against the philosophical, community or societal shoulds. Shouldn’t everyone strive to be honest with themselves and with others?

My therapist answered this with, yes of course, but we can’t expect them to. We can’t impose our desire for them to do that, on them. I totally agreed with that, but what about for a community and society. There are things there that we as a society should do; for example, we should not allow child abuse, and we should focus on education.

My therapist then wanted to know where all this was coming from. I clarified, that they were referring to personal vs. society. I’m at another pivotal point in my life. My first 18 years of my life was lived by the will of God, following the LDS gospel exactly. The next 11 years were spent trying to find balance between the theoretical gospel and society as a whole. I didn’t believe the church as correct anymore, but I still held on to the core beliefs of the gospel. Slowly over those 11 years, I pruned down those beliefs that I couldn’t make fit with my own logic and reason. Last year, I finally threw all the religion stuff away. I spent the last year reading philosophy and learning true science.

The LDS church, especially when you are born into it, gives you a complete worldview. Everything you are to ever believe and think is provided to you. You are to read, nothing but the scriptures and church publications. Even with the church publications, you have to be careful. Don’t read anything older than 20 years or so, or you run the risk of being considered an apostate. Even some thoughts are something that you need to seek forgiveness for having thought. It is a complete and total kit to how you should think, speak, act and live.

I threw that all away. I’m now re-examining everything. How does it fit for me, how does it fit for a community, society, state, nation and world. My therapist then said they understood now. They could see where I was coming from. They agreed again with me that there are personal shoulds, and we come together as a community on the society shoulds. We need to watch out for the personal ones. We need to make sure we are living our life how we want, and not by someone else’s real or implied expectations.

We were almost out of time, so I briefly brought up “Fallacy of change.” Again, I wanted to know how this applied at a community level versus a personal level. I know we can’t expect to change others; they will only change themselves if they want to. The only thing we can do to cause change is by education. Both sides of that distorted thought can actually be handled through education. It looked like I was thinking straight on that one as well.

With that, Session 5 was over.

(Next up: Session 6)