Post session 2 - cont. Distorted Thinking

(Continuation of Therapy – Post Session 2)

Minding Reading – Another really big one from my religious days. I remember thinking that I knew what others were thinking or feeling without them saying so. I added that to my internal list when I threw out the religion stuff. For example, thinking you know and haven’t even had a conversation with the person. I used to think I was being “inspired” about that other person’s internal thoughts or feelings. It still pops up but I shut it down fairly quickly. The only thing that can trip me up on this one still, is when someone’s body language is sending out serious red flags during a conversation. I’m careful always to check with the person if I’m unsure about their feelings or thoughts. “I’m getting the feeling that X, am I off base here?” Again, this goes back to my “being honest with others” core value. It doesn’t hurt to have that extra communication with someone else, than having to “guess.”

Catastrophizing – Yeah, this is a big one for me. I knew it wasn’t “healthy” to allow myself to obsess over all the “what if” scenarios, but sometimes all that time spent thinking of disasters and alternate plans paid off. In the long haul though, if I tallied up all the time spent worrying, and the time saved when it paid off, it would be a huge net loss. This is why I’ve decided I need to reduce seriously the amount of thought time spent on this distorted belief or thought. Being prepared is one thing, but obsessing over every little possible thing that could go wrong, even down to things that could go wrong with a future conversation is a bit overkill. The thought process is amazingly useful for a programmer as I am, so I leverage it for work when designing, writing or testing code. I need to cut it back in my personal life though. It is a hard one for me, some of the events I’ve gone through just make is so difficult to catch this one fast.

Personalization – This is a two-part distortion. One part I picked up from my sister, always thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to me. I’ve had that part on my internal list for a while. You can really see this one in play in my (May) post, when I kept thinking that the reason I wasn’t going to be allowed to play with my nephew anymore had something to do with something I had done. The second part to this distorted belief is always comparing myself with others, who’s smarter, faster, etc. I’ve had this part on my list for a few years now, but it still slips through, especially when I’m feeling low or missing deadlines. I’ll find myself mentally putting others down to allow myself to feel better, and that isn’t right. I shouldn’t need to put others down in order to feel better about myself. They’re trying just as hard as I am. It gets confusing when assessing my ability to complete a task, and having to estimate the timeline or ability of a co-worker. It is hard not to do some comparison, and I think that is fine as long as it isn’t to help me feel better about myself. If it is for a realistic work schedule, fine, otherwise, not so fine.

Control Fallacies – Wow, another huge religious one, and more specifically LDS. For so many years, I gave up all control of my life and lived by the “will” of God. I had no control over my life, a helpless victim of fate. This was just terrible on my ability to cope with life. I tossed this one out with the religious stuff. The other side of this one gets me all the time. I so often feel responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around me. Having to play superman at work all the time, soothe neighbor’s anger or hurts towards my parents; take responsibility for my sister’s happiness and chores. This one bites me all the time. It plays havoc with my core belief of being honest. My internal loyalties to others are in a constant battle with being honest about the situation. Four weeks ago, I was caught in a nasty internal deadlock between covering an ex-co-workers ass and being honest with my boss about the state of some work. It was terrible. I’ve put in some strong mental sentries on this one now. Anytime I feel responsible for something, I now run down a mental checklist to see if I really am responsible for it, or if I just assumed the responsibility.

Fallacy of fairness – Another big one from my sister; her crying her eyes dry of hours on end, saying that it’s just not fair, why can’t others see that it isn’t fair. I was always disgusted by how blatant she used this one against me. It was yet another great manipulation to get me to do things her way, or allow her to take advantage of any situation. Absolutely this one automatically surfaces from time to time, but it’s been on my internal shutdown list for a very long time. Where it can still sometimes get me, and I’m not sure if I need to be concerned with this (I’m going to have to bring it up in therapy to get more context around it), is when looking at community standards or the justice system. Life isn’t fair, but shouldn’t we strive for fairness in our government and laws? I guess it’s the difference between the philosophical “fairness” and “boo hoo, it’s just not fair, why won’t anyone believe me that it isn’t fair,” or “the world is always against me.” I shut those last two internal statements down quick.

Blaming – Some might say I’ve been nursing this one in the last couple of posts by pointing out the “sources” of my deluded thoughts. But you see, it’s not so much as blaming them as I’m identifying, and also giving example of where they have been used against me, and not only when I’ve used them against myself. That ever present inner critic, just loves using all these against myself. Ok, back to blaming or holding others responsible for my pain or blaming myself for others pain and problems. You know, really, personally and deep down, I just don’t suffer from this one very often. I really don’t like the victim thing. My sister was so gratuitous in how she suffered from both sides of the blame game; it just never rubbed off on me much. I’m sure others can disagree with me, point to my blog writing, and say that I’m playing the victim. I just don’t see it that way; I’m honestly trying to portray the events in my life to the best of my abilities. At work, I might suffer a bit from the blame game when I’ve taken over someone else’s code and responsibilities. That only surfaces when they have not followed through with what was agreed upon, then I’ll be honest and point out that the work is half-assed. If they honestly did their best, than I accept it for what it is.

Shoulds – Arg! This used to hose me big time. Up until a year ago, I had all these ironclad rules about how I should and others should live and act. I would really let it affect me internally when others didn’t follow those rules. I’d always try my best to not be outwardly angry or hold it against them, but internally it bothered me. Of course, the real kicker is when you are internally holding others against those rules, it is automatic to judge yourself a hypocrite when you have to bend or break those rules yourself. In my case I wouldn’t bend or break them, they just broke me instead. I still can suffer from this one, and it is so hard. LDS lifestyle is so full of shoulds and luckily, I threw most of them out with the religion. Again this is another topic I’m going to have to bring up with my therapist because, I need to know how to balance an internal “should” with a community, societal, or philosophical should. Is there a difference? Should (should should should) everyone strive to be honest with themselves (not allow themselves to suffer from distorted thinking or beliefs) and be honest with others? My only core belief, am I still suffering from a “should” there?

Emotional Reasoning – My mom suffered and still suffers from this one, and so do I to in a different area and degree though. She always trusted 100% what she felt, must be true. Even in spite of any and all evidence to the contrary. I don’t do this at all. I do suffer a little bit from it in a social aspect. If I feel that I’m acting or looking dumb / foolish, it is easy for me to think it is really, because I am that way. Some people really suffer from this one, they feel stupid, and therefore they think they must be stupid. Etc. Not so much for me, I’m confident in my abilities, except for social situations with strangers. There I think it is more other issues than emotional reasoning. I know I’m good one on one, or with a group of people that I’ve met before. So, I don’t “really” think that I suck at socializing. It’s just with people I don’t know; it’s a trust issue I think more than an internal image.

Fallacy of change – Yeah, here is a fun one from my dad, mom, sister, church, etc. People are not going to change to suit you, even if you pressure or cajole them enough. Seriously. People only change themselves when they want to, and there is nothing anyone else can do to make that happen. As you can see, I don’t personally suffer from this one. There is a flip side to this one and that is feeling the need to change others because you feel your happiness depends on them. Still doesn’t come up for me very often, rarely perhaps. This is another topic for my therapist and me because again how does this fit in with making change happen at a community level? Community vs. Individual might be where the line is drawn.

Global Thinking – My family is big into this one. It can get confused with overgeneralization, but it deals more at a individual level instead of event level. It is when you general one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. I’ve had this on my internal list for a while, but it still will sneak through every once and a while. Anytime I find myself doing this I quickly put my “judgment” on hold and try to find positive qualities in a person. Everyone is trying to live life the best they can. Really, they are, sometimes it might be hard to see, but they are.

Being Right – This one is so embarrassing, I just have to think back on my first 3 jobs. Again, my family and the LDS church are heavy into this one. Always on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct, or going to any length to demonstrate your rightness. I’ve had this on my list since 1997 when I made a huge mistake at work and just couldn’t admit it to others or even myself. Wow, it is one of the “flash-back” moments I’ll sometimes suffer from. This one is always there as a default thought, and I have to work hard to keep it down. I always have to remember that perhaps I don’t have all the information, and that it is ok to be wrong. This one really flips me back into my life with my sister. I was never, ever right around her. I had to fight so hard to keep my sanity around her, because some days I really didn’t know what was up or down around her. It is funny, because when playing a game or doing some low level competition, I love to lose. It tells me I have more to learn, and that is what I crave, learning. For some reason that doesn’t always translate to my thinking on other things.

Heaven’s (or future) reward fallacy – Big, big, big in the LDS church. Everything in life is for some pay off after death. Or if you just hunker down for a little bit longer, it will all pay off soon. Yeah, I suffer from this often. Not the after death part, that is so bogus, but I’ll find myself forgetting to “smell the roses” or enjoy the experience because I’m so focused on that payoff that is just around the corner. My parents fell for this huge with all the health scams and multi-level marketing stuff. Life is for living, not for acquiring. Find some way to enjoy the day to day stuff.

(next post session 3 of therapy)