Conclusion part 1

Please be warned that this post contains details about my life that some might not be interested in reading. Any post marked as personal will contain events that are just that, personal. Feel free to continue reading only if you want to hear about my life. This post also deals with things that could be fairly foreign to anyone that isn't familiar with the LDS church (mormons.)

Before I was married, I told my fiancée that I had had a very strange childhood, and I didn't have answers for things that had happened to me. I told her that before I could start to have children I had to find answers to things that happened to me and around me as I grew up. I didn't want to raise them in a environment where I wasn't sure of myself or how I would act when I did find the answers I was looking for. I wanted them to have a stable environment to grow up in, which meant not only financially but also emotionally. I did not want under any circumstances to raise them how I had been raised; I had to have answers so that I could be sure I wasn't going to cause them to repeat my childhood. I also told her that I was a broken person inside, I was messed up, and this was her last chance to back out. I couldn't guarantee that I could ever find the answers I was looking for, but I would not give up. I had told her the highlights of my childhood, and did my best to explain things how I understood them at the time. I knew there was no way she could really comprehend what I had gone through and how I really felt inside, but I had to warn her and give her one last chance before she committed herself to me. She still went through with the wedding, I'll never know why.

At the time, I still believed that the gospel taught by the LDS church was true. I was inactive, and didn't want anything to do with going to church itself. It had been proven to me many times over that what I truly believed and lived was not how the people active in the church lived. I was a thorn in their side, a reminded to them every day that someone could actually live how we were taught we were supposed to live and act. It wasn't an ideal for me or a show, I wasn't and actor, what I said I believed in was how I lived. I knew the scriptures, I knew the doctrine and I had lived it; I made people uncomfortable, jealous, threatened and angry just by being what they said they were. It might sound extremely arrogant or high and mighty to say those things, but it was and always has been the truth. I wasn't afraid ever to do what was right, and I was tired of the scorn for it. I was done with the people.

After we moved to Idaho, we decided we would give going to church another chance. Maybe the people were different, and I had gotten a little bit older, maybe this time I could just tone it down. I tried to play dumb, stayed quiet in church, held my tongue, and tried not to throw up during testimony meeting when I could see right through the fake and sweetness. I came home every Sunday frustrated, angry, and physically ill, but I tried my best to keep going because it was important for my wife. She had no friends and needed some social interaction, and I know she had been feeling guilty about not going to church when we were in St. George. The bishop invited us to take a temple prep class, since neither of us had been through the temple. I believed that going to the temple and being sealed was an important commandment still and really was the last major commandment that was required of me. We agreed and took the classes. A few months later we both went to the temple, and completed the last commandment required for us to be together for all eternity. It really bothered me that in my worthiness interview with the Stake President he was so focused on making sure I was up to date on my tithing. Out of all that I had gone through and been though in my life for the church, and tithing was the thing that he had to dig into and ask more than a cursory question about? It really unsettled me. It wasn't long afterwards that we bought a house, and moved out of the ward.

I put off going back to church after we moved; I found excuses for the first couple months. Finally I told my wife, that I wasn't able to go to our new ward. I just couldn't deal with it emotionally at that time, and I needed to work more things out first. I couldn't handle the stress of dealing with people at church and be successful at my job at the same time. Paying bills and staying emotionally stable to have a successful career for me was more important to us at that time. She continued to go to church activities, but always stayed home with me on Sundays, she told everyone that it was our time together. I thought long and hard about my past and all that had happened, and really tried to understand what my true core beliefs really were.

I didn't like growing up with my sister she always lied to me. I believed to the very core of my being that lying was the worse sin anyone could ever commit. Lying to others, little white lies, and especially lying to your own self, all of it was wrong. How could you make progress / changes in your life if you lied to yourself? How can you expect to co-exist with other people if you or they are lying? You always end up making no progress, or doing things that are detrimental to the goals you both are trying to reach. If someone is asking you things you feel you need to lie about, you can tell them it is none of their business. Usually people are just rude and nosey and ask things they should be asking anyway. People need other people to get things done, and it isn't possible with a lie. Gossip is just as bad, it is nothing more than lies.

Honesty was the key, I believed. As long as two people were honest with each other about what they each wanted it was possible for them to work together towards a shared goal. If along the journey, someone changed their mind or if someone learned about something different they wanted, they needed to be honest about it. New arrangements could be made, changes and collaboration could occur, or they both could decide to not continue together in that original goal. Being honest with yourself allowed you to be honest with others, and that could allow anything to be accomplished.

I didn't like how my dad had always been paranoid. In my view, he did things and treated people in a way that caused him a lot of grief. A hard life, with everyone out to get you, doesn't prove you are righteous. I didn't like how he had treated the lady we had bought land from. There was no reason if he thought that she didn't like us there or didn't realize how much room we were going to take up, he shouldn't have talked to her about it. We could have found another place to live, God did not tell him that she was going to double cross him, I think it was his paranoia that did; And by him acting on that, and paying the rent before she could, caused the thing that he had thought would happen, happen. The fact that he so very easily turned that paranoia on me, (someone that had gone through hell for him, stood up for and him and loved him,) over a stupid thing like wanting to build straight stairs versus circular stairs showed me he had some real mental problems, perhaps a mental illness of some kind. He wasn't processing the world with an accurate view of things. He had died without completing a special mission on earth, he wasn't a prophet, and I had to re-evaluate his teachings against something more rational now. He was a tax evader, and I knew he wasn't always honest with his fellow man, I knew my brother A had to pay some bills that my dad had skipped out on. Taxes are how we can function as a society, as a community. Everyone has to pay for civilization, and since I am part of civilization, I am happy to pay my taxes. No one is special or exempt from this. I didn't like how he was always angry and yelled when I was a child. I am happy he didn't spank me, but he was too mean and grumpy all the time. I know a lot of it has to do with the chemicals he was in everyday from his job as a painter. Some of it was from him being paranoid, partly a mental illness and partly for not being honest with everyone around him. He expected perfection too much from others, when he himself wasn't perfect.

I didn't like how my mom was always irrational. She trusted her feelings always, and didn't check them against anything. She would do things based upon how she felt at the time, and say it was the promptings of the Lord. Some of things were just plain dumb, and didn't need to be done. They served no purpose, no lessons were learned, and alternatives could have been taken. I had to clean up the mess from those irrational acts many times, pay extra bills, soothe someone's hurt feelings, and spend way too much time completing a task that could have been done a better way. How can someone that wants and is willing to do what is right, know the difference between their own feelings and promptings from the Lord? I believed it was good to help others, but not when providing that help was doing harm or worsening your own situation. How you can you help others, if by helping them you'll put yourself in a position of requiring help yourself? The Lord wasn't providing hard times for other people so you could prove yourself as a caring and giving person. If you gave away your last meal or your last dollar, he wasn't going to provide you with another. You had yours, and you gave it away. Not everyone that looks in need of help is being sent to you by God. Some people are just looking to take advantage, and it is hard to see the difference between those truly in need and those that are conning their way through life. You must first provide for yourself and your children, and only then, can you help others with your excess and always plan for a rainy day for yourself.

I didn't like how my seminary teacher had treated me. She wasn't willing to see things for how they were, didn't want to find blame in herself for how her children were acting. She had to find external blame, and she was following the commandments by trying to rid the church of what she thought was evil. How can we avoid doing something so hurtful and dishonest to another like she had done to me, if all you have is your feelings to judge things by?

I didn't believe that God would ever prompt you to do something that would hurt someone else, or that would go against any of his commandments. I didn't believe that God would prompt you about mundane things or choices in your life. I didn't really believe that he would prompt you about big things either. Wasn't that why we were here, to make those decisions on our own? It was our responsibility to take the time to look at all the options and make the decisions that would not harm anyone else. I didn't believe it was ok to sacrifice the one to save the thousands. A wrong act was a wrong act; it couldn't be justified by a higher reason or goal. The ends couldn't justify the means.

I didn't believe that God would use other people to teach you a lesson. I didn't believe that I was so important that he would be willing for Satan to use someone else just so I could be tested. One could argue that the other people had a choice, they didn't have to listen to Satan do those things, God was also testing those people to see if they would listen to Satan. You can't have it both ways, if God wanted to test me, so he let Satan whisper to someone else to do something bad to me, and the person didn't listen to Satan and follow, what lesson did I learn? Was he going to have Satan keep on whispering to people until someone did bad things to me, so I could be tested? Which is it? I'm being tested, or they? If I'm not being tested, then Satan wouldn't need to try and have other people do bad things to me in the first place. It is not logical, and I didn't believe that God would risk someone else's eternal happiness just so I could be tested.

I didn't believe that all good things came from God and all bad things came from Satan. If all good things came from God, then where is the test? If we made the right choice we give all the credit to God. (Thank you God, for helping me make the right decision, I couldn't have done it without you.) Yet, if we fail the test, and make a bad decision, i.e. listen to Satan, then we are the ones at fault. (I'm sorry God for not making the right decision; I should have listened to you, or asked you, and not listened to Satan) We don't blame Satan for the bad decisions, we take the blame ourselves. (Although some people do blame Satan, those bad things are happening because of Satan. I thought that was just poor excuse for people to do what really wanted, and justifying later by saying they were weak and couldn't help themselves.) If we're the ones being tested, and we did something good on our own, then by our efforts we passed the test. We were the ones that were being tested and we were the ones that came up with the right decision. Either we are being tested, or we are just pawns to God and Satan. Good things can come from man, and bad things can come from man, it is up to us to do, and we are the ones responsible for any action or decision we make.

So many things had happened to me done by other people, I had always been taught that we needed to forgive them, even if they didn't ask for forgiveness in this life. The day would come, after we had died when we would stand before the Lord for our final judgment. The truth would finally be known. Those that we had done wrong to would stand before us. If mistakes were not corrected in this life, they would be judged for them in the next. I didn't know how I really felt about this. Part of me was angry about all the things that had happened to me, and that they were living their life without any clue what their actions had really done to me. Where was my justice in this life? Was I supposed to just accept bad things happening to me the rest of my life? Was I always supposed to turn the other cheek, forgive them even when they didn't ask, because I could see that they didn't really understand things, and had reasons for doing what they did, even if they were bad or poorly processed reasons? Could I really stand there in the afterlife before them; would I really want to be the reason that they were denied access to the Celestial Kingdom? Would their actions be held against them, when they didn't understand what they had really done? I was damaged inside, and it was an effort every day just to get up and go to work, return home and go to bed. Was this just the price I was required to pay to have the opportunity at life? If I hadn't been there, they wouldn't have done the things they had done; they were reacting to my presence in their life. Could they have acted differently? Yes, but was I also to blame for being there? I didn't have an answer to that yet. I held onto the belief that others would still be judged after death, because really that helped me accept that I couldn't find justice in this life, but I also didn't want to stand before them in the afterlife and hold that over their head. So I believed that we would be judged, but it would be personal, just you and the Lord. You would have to look at your life on earth and you would know what you had done. You had personal responsibility for your own actions, and you had to correct the things in this life that you knew were wrong. How else could you live with yourself in the afterlife, with the knowledge that you didn't do what you could have to make things right?

I had learned lessons about what people were capable of with the best of intentions. How easy it was for them do to things that couldn't have been right, yet they themselves didn't think they had done anything wrong. They were so focused on a goal that they lost sight of the people around them. I saw the biggest problem was organized religion. It is so easy for people to allow themselves to do things because other people are doing them. It is so easy for people to be so focused on their own righteousness and so easy to judge others that they think are affecting their ability to attain that righteousness. It is so easy for people to find personal justification for doing the things they want to do instead of what is the right thing to do. It is so easy for people to justify bending or breaking a commandment (LDS commandments are many, entire Doctrine & Covenants is just a huge list of commandments), to fulfill another commandment. It is so easy for people to accept others acceptance and justification for their actions, without thinking about the result of their own actions themselves. On and on, so many unhappy experiences I could trace back in my life to organized religion. There is too much mob mentality, not enough personal accountability. Too easy to feel righteous because of outward appearance and rituals that don't really do anything (ooh you are so righteous because you can show everyone that you can go to church every week.. ooh good for you, do you want a gold star?), it distracts from what they are really trying to do and be, get so busy trying to do all the right rituals they forget to be kind to their fellow human, or honest with themselves. There are unattainable and useless goals, lies and deception to keep up appearances. Too much back stabbing and power plays to climb a hierarchy or hold judgment over others. Too many mental acrobatics to prove that what was believed in the past still applied and was 100% true still today. Once someone claimed that something came directly from God, they were stuck if they were proved wrong or something better came along. No way to make improvements or just be honest about the reasons you want to do or believe something. Feelings always trumped logic. No thanks, I was done with that, I didn't believe organized religion was the answer.

(One could argue that all these things were problems that individuals faced, how could I say that organized religion was the problem and not just the people? Was the absence of organized religion going to make the problems go away? I felt that yes, it was true that those things were an individual's problems, but organized religion was like a critical mass effect, mob mentality, others are doing it so it must be ok. In addition, can there be organized religion without Dogma?)

I believed that religion was personal and it needed to be kept that way. It was between you and God. Only he knew what was in your heart and your intent, and he was hands off on your life and actions. We were down here on earth to prove that we could be good people; we could treat other people as we wanted to be treated; we could be honest with ourselves and with others; we could get along and respect each other, and forgive honest mistakes. That we could learn from one another, progress and better our lives; we wouldn't make the mistakes of our parents and that we could raise our children in a better environment (nurture aspect of the nature vs. nurture) that we were raised. It wasn't our business to judge others, or tell them how we thought they were doing with life's challenges or gossip and make fun of them; if they were being honest with themselves they'd already know the mistakes they were making and would be trying to make changes and adjustments. We were on our own, and we were going to be judged by him when we died on how well we did. He wasn't prompting us, Satan wasn't whispering in our ears. We were accountable for our actions, no one to blame or congratulate but ourselves. We have to live with the decisions that we make, so we best be sure that we make the ones that won't hurt anyone else.

Finally, I believed that my parents had loved me, and wanted what was best for me. They did everything they believed would provide me with a good childhood and happy life. They believed that if they were righteous, that God would pick up the slack that they weren't capable of pulling on their own; God would watch over their flock and warn them if something was wrong; all you could do was your best, and God would see to the rest. They were products of their own childhoods and environments, and they tried to raise us better than they were raised themselves. They weren't perfect and never claimed to be, they were human and made mistakes, and they tried their best with the abilities and issues they had. The problem with my childhood was, God wasn't there to pick up the slack for them, and he was asleep on duty. All the things they had been promised by their church and religion were not all true, and we the children, were the casualties. They had kept up their end of the deal, but their religion had failed them.

I was not going to make the same mistake and put my trust that someone or something else was going to cover for me, just because I was too busy following a list of things that I was told that I should follow. I would be responsible for what happened on my watch. I also knew I hadn't liked how I had been treated by others, so I wasn't going to treat others the same way. I had a brain and I was going to use it, feelings would not be allowed to trump logic and reason.

Continue reading: Conclusion (part 2)